Apocalypse Cakes

August 6, 2014 · 1:35 pm

THE TIME 2 BAKE IS NOW

Do you love the holidays? Do you love shopping for the last holiday season ever? Fantastic. Apocalypse Cakes: Recipes for the End, is the book for you. Including 30 recipes for treats such as BP Oil Black Bottom Cake, Toxic Waste Dump Cake, Global Warming Hot Apple Pie and other delights, this diabetic tomb is available on Amazon.com until we all drown in an epic sea of warm trash.

Get your copy here, now.

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March 30, 2012 · 1:24 am

Martha Stewart approached Apocalypse Cakes worried that she was not doing enough to prepare for the End Times. She was so delighted with our doomsday prep suggestions that she published her new Spring Apocalypse Calendar in the April issue of MARTHA STEWART LIVING. Click the image (or here) to view her entire schedule.

Image

Filed under Martha Stewart

Tagged as 2012 doomsday, apocalypse, apocalypse cakes, apocalypse cooking, apocalypse housekeeping, apocalypse recipes, apocolypse, armageddon cake, december 2012, doomsday, doomsday 2012, doomsday cake, doomsday calendar, doomsday housekeeping, end of times, end of times cake, end times, Martha Stewart apocalypse, Martha Stewart April, martha stewart april calendar, Martha Stewart calendar, Martha Stewart recipes, Martha Stewart spring, Martha Stewart tips, prepper housekeeping, spring baking, spring cake recipes, survivalist 2012 cooking, the year 2012

March 13, 2012 · 4:30 am

As the candidate sure to beat that socialist, baby-killing incumbent, Rick “Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter” Santorum will spend his first day in office detaining you at Guantanamo for all your yoga and blowjobs. You will be chained to a rock, naked and pregnant, by Santorum’s legion of Abercrombie youth group members. Then, while you’re cold and alone and left to give birth to your gay best friend’s gay-by, a mob of Catholic priests will take a break from their Cuban slave-boy auction to tase you for each non-procreative orgasm you’ve ever had. Best to invite all of your twinkiest friends over for a frothy chocolate cream pie orgy before President Santorum sends his Jesus Air Force drones to destroy your unnatural and unconstitutional love nest.

delish

Ingredients
1 pack of contraceptives not paid for by your insurance company
1 (9 inch) pie crust, baked
3 egg yolks, beaten
1 1/2 cups white sugar
3 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups milk
1 tablespoon butter
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup frozen whipped topping, thawed

Directions
Cream together frothy egg yolks and sugar in a mixing bowl. Mix in cornstarch, cocoa powder, and salt. Add milk and stir gently. Pour mixture into a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until boiling. Remove from heat. Stir in butter or margarine and vanilla extract. Cool slightly, then pour mixture into pastry shell. Chill before serving. Garnish with whipped topping while your friends from Grindr get naked.

Filed under Judgment, New World Orders

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August 1, 2011 · 12:45 am

With the fat, rich captains of industry wiping their asses with your mortgage and private- jetting to St. Tropez as the country festers into a third world cesspool, you’re bound to die of starvation tomorrow. These richest 10 percent of Americans control two-thirds of America’s net worth, and that means you’ll waste away with cancer with no healthcare and only donated Lunchables to eat. On your deathbed, you’ll wish you had moved Iran, Nigeria or Turkey, where income inequality isn’t as big a problem. Best to try some Economic Collapse Crumb Cake today before the government throws you under the bus for some Cuban cigars and private golf club memberships.

Ingredients
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 pound (1 stick) unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 pinch salt
1 cup buttermilk
1 egg, lightly beaten

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease a 7×11-inch baking pan. Combine sugar, flour and butter. Use a fork to cut butter in until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Set aside 1/2 cup of this mixture to use as topping. To the remaining flour mixture, add cinnamon, cloves, baking soda and salt. Lightly stir in the buttermilk and egg. Pour batter into prepared pan. Sprinkle cake with reserved topping. Bake for 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into center of the cake comes out clean. Call your broker and tell her to have all your assets converted to cake.

Filed under Graft Usury Etc, New World Orders

Tagged as 2012 Rezept, apocalipsis pastel, apocalisse torta, apocalyps taart, apocalypse, apocalypse cake, apocalypse cakes, apocalypse Kuchen, apocalypse party, apocalypse party food ideas, apocolypse, apokalypse kake, baking, big government, big government cake, big spending cake, Boehner, cake recipe, cooking, crumb cake, crumb cake recipe, debt ceiling, debt crisis, debt crisis cake, debt deal, december 12 2012, depression cake, disaster cake, doom cake, doomsday, doomsday book, doomsday prophesy, doomsday recipes, doomsday Rezept, economic cake, economic collapse, economy, economy cake, end of days, end of the world, end of the world recipes, end of world 2012, end times, End Times Cake, fiscal cliff party, government cake, how the world will end, κέικ αποκάλυψη, joke cake, obama cake, pie, political cake, political joke cake, politician cake, the end of the world, the end of the worldX Weltuntergang abendessWeltuntergang Kuchen, the year 2012, Weltuntergang Mahlzeit, Weltuntergang Partei, Weltuntergang Rezept, will the world end, world ends 2012, סוף עולם המתכון, עוגת אפוקליפסה

June 1, 2011 · 4:31 am

 Now that our godless politicians are letting the homosexuals have their “marriages,” our children’s eyes will burn out of their skulls, upstanding heterosexuals will start making love to their golden retrievers and the Earth will explode into pink globules of KY Jelly — all to the soundtrack of RENT. And with every semblance of civil society gone and the police debauched into actual, non-ironic leather daddies, you’ll want to barricade your homes to protect yourself from those crazy, married gay leatherfolk whose reason for living is to force you to form a holy union with your parrot. Start planning your Gay Wedding Cake today — you don’t have much time left before everyone’s allowed to have health insurance and the whole planet turns into that vortex of barbarism called Massachusetts.

Ingredients
Cake stolen from straight wedding
Mini-leather daddies (this is what all gays look like underneath their clothes)

Directions
Go to a straight wedding. When everyone is drunk playing that sexy garter-belt game go steal the cake, being careful not to lose the little hetero-figures on the top. Bring the cake home and put some gay dolls on it — the more your dolls look like the people Focus on the Family are afraid of, the better — and ceremoniously remove the straight figurines from their rightful place. All the people who see your cake will shake their heads and wonder where the poor breeders went. Then they’ll think, “those wholesome man and wife dolls have been deprived of the life God intended for them.”

Filed under Judgment

Tagged as 2012 apocalypse, 2012 rapture, apocalypse, apocalypse cake, apocalypse cakes, apocalypse food, apocalypse Kuchen, apocolypse, baking, bdsm, cake, cake gay, cake recipes, cooking, december 12 2012, domestic partnership cake, doomsday book, doomsday Rezept, конец света рецепт, emergency food, end of days, end of the world recipes, end of times, end times, gay, gay cake, gay cake image, gay cake picture, gay love, gay marriage, gay marriage legal, gay pride cake, gay rights, gay wedding, gay wedding cake, gays going to hell, gays on cake, Harold Camping, homosexual, homosexual cake, homosexual wedding cake, homosexuelle Hochzeitstorte, how the world will end, άκρο της συνταγής κόσμου, κέικ αποκάλυψη, leather daddies, leather daddy, leatherfolk, legal gay marriage, lgbt wedding, lgbt wedding cake, marriage rights, mr. leather cake, queer, rapture, same gender marriage, same sex marriage, santorum gay, states for gay marriage, states with gay marriage, the end of the world, the end of the worldX Weltuntergang abendesseWeltuntergang Kuchen, wedding cake, wedding cakes same sex, Weltuntergang Mahlzeit, Weltuntergang Partei, Weltuntergang Rezept, will the world end, סוף עולם המתכון, עוגת אפוקליפסה

May 20, 2011 · 1:13 am

Get May 21 your Apocalypse Forecast!Hark! This Saturday is the Big Day. Get your town’s May 21 Apocalypse Forecast the day before it all goes down! Will you suddenly ionize during a Satanic orgy at your local laundromat? Or will you be enveloped by a radioactive toxic plume in the aisles of Forever21? Just post your town’s name on the Apocalypse Cakes Facebook Wall and you’ll receive your custom forecast for Saturday’s big event right here!

Click!

Get your town’s forecast.

Click on the big “F.”

Filed under Judgment, Sharing Apocalyptic Pride

Tagged as 2012, 2012 apocalypse, apocalypse, apocalypse cakes, apocalypse food, apocalypse prophecy, apocolypse, armageddon, baking, cake, cake baking, cake recipe, cake recipes, doom, doomsday, doomsday prophesies, emergency food, emergency preparedness, facebook, Family Radio, final judgment, foodie, Harold Camping, Judgment, May 21, pie, pie recipes, rapture

January 18, 2011 · 5:19 am

Hark! As foretold in the Book of Revelation, The Lord’s Aviary of Retribution has burst forth and festooned our cul-de-sacs with its decorative corpses. The dead birds are part of a menu of surf and turf — fish, crabs, blood, frogs, Craisins® — whose descent signals Jesus’ return for the battle of Armageddon. But we’ve ignored the scriptures, having instead whitewashed the avian holocaust’s prophetic message with scientific explanations. And for this infraction, the Almighty will command legions of righteous grackles to tear through your ceilings into your godless homes, splattering their diseased bird gore onto every inch of your Pottery Barn-ed, paganscaped estates. Best to gorge on some “Inexplicable” Blackbird Pie today before you suffocate under a festering pile of feathered carcasses.

Ingredients
Any type of pie with slime inside
1 nasty little gore-stuffed synthetic blackbird

Directions
Drive to the suburbs with your pies and birds. Insert birds into pies. Drop pies from sky, creating a decorative splatter pattern for the neighbors to see. Invite everyone out for dessert.

Filed under Judgment

Tagged as Alabama Birds Dying, Alabama Birds Fall From Sky, Alabama Dead Birds, Animals, apocalypse, apocalypse cakes, apocalypse food, apocolypse, baking, Birds, Birds Dying Alabama, Birds Dying California, Birds Fall From Sky, Birds Fall From Sky Alabama, blackbird, blackbird pie, cake, cake recipe, cooking, Dead Birds, Dead Birds Alabama, Dead Fish Chicago, Dead Fish Illinois, doomsday, doomsday prophesies, emergency food, end of the world recipes, end times, Judgment, Mass Animal Deaths, Mass Animal Deaths Alabama, pie, pie recipe, revelations

September 9, 2010 · 1:01 pm

What better way to celebrate the Engulfed Coast than by gorging on little cream puffs bursting with artery-clogging serum? There isn’t one, and this is why we’ve oozed into the filled-pastry arena by selecting “Butaneous Profiteeroles in Drilling Disaster Sauce” as the winner of the BP Oil Spill Cake Naming Contest. And we don’t care that a profiterole isn’t a cake because profiteroles more disgusting than cakes. Ms. Gigi Generaux of Las Vegas, NV submitted the winning entry.

Congratulations Ms. Generaux!

The butaneous submission beat out other gross names such as “Smothered Turtle Pie with Dispersant Cream,” By Freddy Bowen of Philadelphia, PA, “Devil’s Crude Cake” by Shan Powell of Ontario, and over 80 others. Gigi will receive a free set of Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards and a chocolate endangered species mold as her prizes.

Other Honorable Mentions:

“Deep Chocolate Horizon” by Jason West of San Francisco, CA
“Gulf of FUBAR Cake” by Margie Hayes of Pensacola, FL
“Brain Pampering Impalement Arts Cake” by Juliet Cook of Valley City, OH
“Beach Party Rainbow Stain Cake” by Troy Hewitt of Aliso Viejo, CA
“Gulp of Mexico Pinata Lava Cake” by Brian Maschler of Austin, TX
“Deepwater Horizon Exploding Dark Chocolate Petro-Cake” by Kristina Felix of Austin, TX

Filed under Chemical Warfare, Contests, Graft Usury Etc

Tagged as apocalypse, apocalypse cake, apocalypse food, apocalypsecakes, apocolypse, baking, BP, bp damage, bp gulf, BP Oil, BP Oil Cake, BP oil spill, british petroleum spill, cake baking tips, cake blog, cake contest, cake recipes, clean up oil spill, cleaning up oil spills, contest, cooking, deepwater horizon oil spill, doomsday, doomsday prophesies, emergency food, gulf of mexico, gulf oil spill, gulf spill, oil dispersant, oil pollution, oil spill, oil spill cleanup, pie recipes, writing contest

June 7, 2010 · 5:11 pm

Will you name the BP oil gusher cake? S/he who comes up with the name of the Apocalypse Cakes oil gusher dessert will get a delicious specimen of endangered chocolate wildlife, Internet fame and a set of Apocalypse Cakes Recipe Cards. To enter, follow these two easy steps:

1. E-mail your oil gusher cake title, name and mailing address to apocalypsecakes@gmail.com. One entry per person.

2. Write “Oil Gusher Cake Contest” in the subject line of your e-mail.

The contest ends 11:59 p.m., Saturday, July 31st, 2010. The winner will be notified via e-mail and announced here at Apocalypse Cakes. Want to see the evil of our previous “Name the Swine Flu Cake” contest? Check out Sharif Youssef’s winning entry here.

Filed under Contests

Tagged as apocalypse, apocalypse cakes, apocalypse food, apocalypsecakes, apocalyptic dessert, baking, baking contest, Beyond Petroleum, BP, BP cake, BP cake naming contest, BP cake recipe, BP oil humor, BP oil spill, BP oil spill humor, British Petroleum, cake, cake contest, cake recipe, contests, cooking, Deepwater Horizon, doomsday, emergency food, gulf of mexico, gulf oil spill, gulf spill, oil rig, oil spill, Transocean, writing contest

March 1, 2010 · 11:04 pm

With all the bathroom-buggering politicians crushing already starved countries with embargoes, military interventions and corrupt aid distributions, your nation is surely next to become so destitute that all you have to eat are cakes made of mud. Fortunately, we’ve developed a tastier version of this type of dessert for your pre-poverty palate. In fact, you’ll relish its flavor for as many years as it will take for anyone to notice that you’ve been eating dirt for decades. So celebrate life now and try one of these organic Seismic Haitian Mud Cakes before the “First World” uses its foreign policy to starve you in the name of democracy, privatization, SUVs and Viagra® — you never know how long it will take for a disaster to strike that will guilt the international community into finally bringing you a meal.

Ingredients
5 lbs. dirt
3 Tbsp. salt
1 cup vegetable shortening

Directions
Put your dirt into a strainer (or whatever’s available) and hold it over a pot. Then run water (or whatever’s available) through the strainer to extract the rocks, etc. Mix in the shortening and the salt. Then pat the mixture into a cake and leave it to dry under the scorching sun. The cake will be ready to eat after 12 hours, after which time you can decorate it with whatever happens to be around.

Filed under Graft Usury Etc

Tagged as 2012 cake, 2012 doomsday, 2012 recipe, apocalipsis, apocalypse, apocalypse cake, apocalypse cakes, apocalypse food, apocalypsecake, apokalyptische kuchen, baking, cake, cake recipes, cakes, cakes of mud, cooking, developing nation, developing world, dirtcake, doomsday, doomsday book, doomsday cake, doomsday dessert, earthquake, eating mud, emergency food, end of the world cake, end of the world cupcakes, end of the world dessert, end of the world pudding, end of the world recipes, Haiti, Haiti earthquake, Haitian earthquake, mud cake, mud cakes, Mudcake, poverty, Richter scale, Seismic Haitian Mud Cake, third world, סוף עולם המתכון, עוגת אפוקליפסה



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